…
…
An awkward silence fell.
Hmm, I wanted to be alone with Yulia, but I didn’t know how to start the conversation. I still had an ice pack on my eyes, which made it even more awkward.
I decided I should get rid of it first.
I removed the pack and slowly sat up. I wanted to look natural and casual, but the bed made a screeching metal noise as I moved.
Dammit!
Well, it didn’t matter. I turned towards Yulia. This conversation had to happen.
…
…
Why was this so hard? Why did it feel so awkward?!
I had to say something, anything.
What should I say? What should I tell her?
I was wondering if I should start talking about the weather when Yulia finally opened her mouth.
I felt relieved until she said something unexpected.
I’m sorry, your highness.
… pardon?
I couldn’t understand why she apologized to me.
‘Hmm? What was she sorry about?’
At my confusion, Yulia seemed astonished. After a brief hesitation, she looked into my eyes and explained.
I… I cannot accept the honor and responsibility your highness plans to bestow upon me.
Pardon?
What the heck? What was she talking about? When I continued to look blank, Yulia seemed confused. She looked cautiously at me and continued.
I am referring to what happened last night when you ordered me to dance with his highness.
Oh…!
So we WERE talking about the same thing, but why was she saying I ‘ordered’ her? I still couldn’t understand.
I must have had a stupid expression on my face. Yulia seemed to make up her mind to be direct.
Your highness, I… I cannot live as someone’s wife or mother.
Pardon?
This was very unexpected. When I didn’t say anything else, Yulia kneeled in front of me and looked up.
I grew up seeing how my mother ended up having an unhappy marriage.
…
My mother was weak ever since she was a child. When she was sixteen, she was told she wouldn’t live past the age of twenty. When she turned twenty, she was told she wouldn’t be able to bear any children. This was… a devastating fact for an unmarried noble lady, so instead of being married to an appropriate nobleman, she ended up marrying my father.
It was a surprise to me that Yulia would refer to her father this way.
I remembered what Agnes told me, which matched what Yulia was telling me. Yulia’s father, Viscount Morian, was much lower born than his wife.
My father was only interested in my mother’s dowry. He was very cold to her. My mother tried her best to appease to him, and that was why she decided to bear children despite her poor health.
I see, so her mother hoped to give her husband an heir, but ended up with two daughters. This must have made things worse.
Although not as bad as this, I had heard similar things happen in Korea. There were still women who had daughters after daughters in an attempt to bear a son. I had even heard of a husband divorcing his wife after his girlfriend bore him a son.
Yulia continued,
My father, of course, hated me and my sister for not being a son. My mother ended up passing away soon after giving birth to me. Only a month after she died, my father remarried.
Only one month after the death of his first wife?
I couldn’t help but frown.
And six months after his second marriage, my stepmother gave birth to a son. My father was very happy to finally get an heir. My stepmother… She was someone my father knew even when my mother was still alive.
…
If she gave birth only six months after her marriage, it obviously meant she got pregnant earlier. It must have been when Viscount Morian’s first wife was still alive. He was having an affair with his current second wife.
Yulia sighed deeply and continued,
It wasn’t so bad. At least, my father and my stepmother didn’t physically abuse us.
They weren’t as bad as the dowager empress Katleyanira, but it still didn’t excuse Yulia’s father’s atrocious behavior.
The main problem arose when my sister and I became older. My father and stepmother told us they can’t provide us with dowry when we get married.
What?!
I shouted in shock. As far as I knew, providing dowry was like giving inheritance in advance in this world. A woman without a proper dowry often couldn’t find a good husband.
This meant Yulia’s father was determined to ruin his daughters’ lives.
A question suddenly popped up in my head. Didn’t Yulia’s sister have a fiancé?
But… I swear I heard your sister have a fiancé. I remember seeing him at the ball last night.
Yulia’s sister looked happy as she was dancing with him. It would have been impossible to get a good husband if she didn’t have a dowry.
Yulia nodded.
Thankfully, my sister and I have our generous aunt. Our aunt had a daughter who died as a baby. It was the same year as our mother’s death.
In a year, Countess Ilan lost her child as well as her sister. I could now understand why she considered her nieces her own daughters.
Perhaps that was why our aunt has been so kind to us. My sister’s fiancé is a good man. My aunt has been eyeing him for a while before introducing him to my sister. Luckily, they fell in love too.
This was such a rare occurrence in this world.
Being kind to one’s nieces unconditionally and marrying for love.
Yulia smiled and continued,
This marriage is all thanks to our aunt.
I see…
Our father refused to give any of our mother’s dowry back to us as our own dowry.
This was horrible, but it still didn’t make sense why Yulia didn’t want to marry anyone. She seemed to have read my mind as she explained.
I have witnessed so many terrible things a woman may go through in her lifetime. I saw my mother’s tears and pains.
…
I don’t want to live like that.
I… I understand of course.
I tried to console her in my own awkward way. I always found it hard to say the right thing in this kind of situation. I never knew what to say.
Yulia smiled faintly.
Your highness is a very kind woman.
Pardon? No, I’m not…
What? She was very mistaken. In fact, I sometimes even surprised myself at how cold I could be.
However, Yulia protested.
No, you are truly generous. You try not to show it, but it’s true. That must be why you tried to bestow me this great honor.
H, honor?
I started to sweat. I finally understood how she saw this situation. She thought I was trying to help her, when in fact, it was the opposite. I tried to make her marry Lucretius without even asking her if she wanted it!
I felt ashamed of myself as Yulia continued,
You felt bad for me and that is why you were trying to gift me with this great honor of royal marriage. I am forever grateful for your kindness, but… I cannot marry his highness.
I, I see.
I felt… happy.
I tried to imagine how I would have felt if Lucretius did agree to dance with Yulia last night.
I would have been devastated.
The truth was, I felt nervous about this conversation with Yulia. What if she was happy about my attempt and wanted to accept the marriage? I was scared of this.
I continued to sweat. I felt relieved but also curious.
Based on what I saw last night at the ball, Lucretius was definitely the most eligible bachelor of this land. Why was Yulia determined to refuse him?
She said it was because of her parents’ unhappy marriage, but it still didn’t make sense to me. Her sister was happy to get married. Her aunt, Countess Ilan, would have helped her get a good husband too.
Why then was she against the royal marriage?
I couldn’t help but ask,
I understand about your past, but I still don’t get it. Becoming the emperor’s wife is a great opportunity for any woman, especially at a time when the emperor doesn’t have any children.
…
So why would you refuse such a great chance?
