Chapter 1266: Either a god, or a beast

"Heimdall is by my side. You may think this is a precious time wasted by a legendary monk. But you must know that Heimdall’s most important job is not to serve me, but when I can’t control the abnormal hair. In the Holy Seal, he promptly took control of my bloodthirsty long hair, calming the mad monster in my heart..."
Sir Castis looked up at Joan, his expression more complicated.
"You may think that these reasons are too far-fetched. If I am really inconvenient to live with the children and cannot meet them from time to time, at least they should keep in touch."
"It should be so, but I can't do it."
"Joan, when I left my family for the first year, if I could overcome my inner cowardice, overcome sensitive self-esteem, and take the initiative to write a letter to my wife and daughter, as long as this first step is taken, everything will be different, In the days to come, you will certainly be able to maintain communication with your family."
"Unfortunately, I did not do that."
"I didn't write a letter in the first year, because I couldn't think of any happy things I could share with my family, and I couldn't help but complain about my worries in the letter, even worrying my family."
"I always comfort myself and deceive myself to be too busy with work, unwell, and in a bad mood. Now I just want to be alone."
"After a while, when my situation improves and is not so busy, or if there is any good news worth sharing with my family, I must write to my family."
"I have made countless determinations to write to my family tomorrow, but tomorrow will be the day after tomorrow, and year after year will pass like this. The longer the time, the higher the barriers in my heart will accumulate, and the separation from the family in the distance It has also become deeper and deeper, and it has become more and more difficult to write a letter."
"Now more than ten years have passed, let's not write a letter to my family, even if my feet set foot on the land of my hometown again, it would be harder for me than to set foot on the sea of ​​swords..."
Sir Castis wiped the wet corners of his eyes, and a wry smile of self-deprecation was raised.
"You may not understand this contradictory mood, my child, because you are still young, I hope you never experience this mood in your life, that is really a shameful thing."
Joan listened to the silent confession of the old man silently, and his mood was hard to calm down.
In fact, he was fully able to understand the complex and self-blame mentality of Sir Castis.
Because he had also been sentimental near the hometown, and had the urge to escape from the family and live in isolation many times.
The position that human society has arranged for him is like a pair of undersized shoes. In such an environment, even if the people around him are very friendly to him, he will still feel awkwardness, pain and even suffocation from time to time.
Just as Sir Castis was full of self-blame, Joanne couldn't blame his suffering on others.
For him, "existence" itself is a kind of torture. The more it integrates into the crowd, into society, and gets involved in the intricate interpersonal network, the deeper the pain.
In the crowd, the existence of others is like a force field that is self-contained. It always applies gravity or repulsion to you, constantly squeezing or tearing you, making you feel inexplicably painful.
In such a society, it doesn't matter whether others are good or bad for you. What matters is that for you, others are hell.
This is certainly not the fault of others, especially in the case of Joan. Almost all the people around him treat him with kindness, and morality and reason do not allow him to blame others. He can only blame himself for his awkward situation.
This body is "Heaven", the people around are angels, but you are the devil alone.
In the eyes of the devil, "heaven" is the uncomfortable "hell", and "hell" is his "heaven".
It is not the fault of others, nor the fault of the world. It is all your own fault.
Joanne feels that Sir Cassis's mentality is similar to his own. Perhaps this is the reason why he had to escape from family and affection, although this made him very blameful, and often deeply confessed for his selfishness and cowardice.
However, escaping from the crowd really allowed him to be alone, so he could breathe and feel relaxed.
"Child, I want to give you a little advice."
Sir Castis wiped the tears in the corner of his eyes, raised his head, and stared at the young man in front of him with a very serious eye.
"Think about your friends and family, those who are good to you but have not contacted you for a long time. If you still have the courage to do so, you must take the initiative to write to them. Don’t be ashamed to complain to your friends and relatives. Carry it alone."
"Even if you endure nausea, you must write the first line of words. As long as you insist on writing the first line of words, you will have the opportunity to defeat the devil. In the future life journey, you will benefit a lot."
"If you can’t take this first step, you will fall into a vicious circle, becoming more and more lonely in the deepening of self-blame and guilt, and more and more out of step with the real society, just like me now, the same head The wild beast."
Joan was speechless.
The advice of Sir Castis just hit the scar in his heart.
Since the death of my grandfather, his emotions are stronger than the grief of losing his loved ones. Instead, he is an impulse to escape from his hometown, or "releasing" more precisely.
The only family member with whom he was blood related is no longer alive, and he has done his filial piety. It seems that he has received an "amnesty order" and can finally escape from the "jail cell", and he no longer needs to bear to maintain emotional communication with others. Obligations.
He did not want to admit this distorted mentality, but his body was very honest. In the past two years, he has not returned a letter to his relatives and friends in his hometown, which also includes Kandy, Rebecca and George Vasa who treated him like his family.
He felt self-blame for his cold-heartedness and ungratefulness, but the more he blamed himself, the more he wanted to escape from it all.
As Sir Castis pointed out: When you are afraid to write a letter, things become dangerous.
The longer you drag on, the more difficult it will be for you to write and speak, until you eventually lose the ability to speak out to the outside world. I wish everyone could forget you and let you die.
You are still alive in the world, you are still in good health, but at the social level you are already deaf, dumb, and blind.
You are already socially dead.
So, should we strive for self-healing, starting with writing the first letter, trying to change ourselves and save ourselves?
Reason will give a positive answer.
Unfortunately, as far as this issue is concerned, the power of reason is too weak.
You certainly know that in this case, every letter you send to the outside world, no matter what you write specifically, is essentially a "call for help".
You all know the truth, but your reason can't control your behavior, and neither your self-esteem nor inferiority allows you to issue this letter of help.
This is the root of all tragedies about you.
(End of Volume 5)
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