He wished he could walk by her side. Each time she looked at something, he wanted to ask what she was looking at and look at it himself. What kind of sensation the day’s weather brought to her, whether the air was fresh, whether her shoes were right for walking, he had so many things to ask her and say to her.
However, all those were not allowed to him.
It was good that Rubica wasn’t asking him to walk with her. Then, he would have to turn her down flatly, and she would think he didn’t want to walk with her. He didn’t want her to think like that.
But at the same time, he was sad that she wasn’t asking for that even though she worried about his health.
‘What on earth is wrong with me?’
When he looked at her, he was happy, sad, disappointed, and glad at the same time. He was getting opposing feelings all the time. He really didn’t know whether it was her or himself.
You should go now.
May I leave after seeing you fall asleep?
His voice sound pitiable even to himself. So far, his pride had been the only thing that supported him. He did not give up on his life, despite all the miseries he was suffering, because of that. However, he abandoned his pride so easily in front of Rubica.
Moreover, the woman who was making him discard his pride in an instant shook her head at that. He wanted to grab her shoulder and yell if she thought he did that to just any woman. No, actually… he wanted to plead to let him stroke her hair.
‘I’m crazy, I’m crazy.’
He was either sick or enchanted. Maybe that piece of note that had replaced his ring had been a warning.
Edgar
However, when he heard her voice, all those tormenting thoughts melted away. Their eyes met. She hesitated but then closed her eyes.
How could he resist that?
She had closed her eyes. That was all. However, it was a great temptation to Edgar. She was much more seducing with her eyes closed than any other woman naked.
He bent down and kissed her forehead carefully like a priest carrying a holy object.
‘I don’t want to end this.’
He wished he could stay that way forever and ever. He inhaled hard to enjoy her scent. There was lavender incense for sleeping burning right next to the bed, but it wasn’t a problem for him. No matter how strong the scent that filled the room was, he could always detect her unique scent.
Was it because he had been kissing her for too long? Rubica moved. Edgar had no choice but to remove his lips. But this time, he didn’t straighten his back. Instead, he slowly moved his face down. Their lips were about to meet, and her eyes shook like a boat in a storm.
Goodnight kisses should be done on the lips.
A sweet voice came out of his lips. He had never imagined he would be the one whispering like that as the others were always the ones trying to seduce him. His lips were wanted by so many other women.
No.
Rubica looked away. With her, he was always the one who was tempted and got refused.
‘You are so cruel. Why are you not even a little kind to me?’
He had heard that countless times when he said no to temptations. But today, he said that to Rubica. In his heart, so that she couldn’t hear it.
His heart was in chaos. He could now understand so well the women he had found bothering and impossible to understand before. His reason shouted he had to understand her, and she didn’t love him, but his heart blamed her. Everybody wanted him. So why was she the only exception?
-I love Arman.
Arman, it was all because of that man.
He resisted the urge to grab her chin and kiss her passionately and went away.
I was joking. Don’t overreact.
Then, he forced himself to scold her to hide his wretched heart, but he didn’t dare to look at her face looking away because of what he had said. He turned and walked to the door.
Goodnight.
Then he closed the door behind him. He walked through the dark hallway to his office. He thought all the way there about that wall between Rubica and himself.
Arman.
That man. His name dominated his mind. The man Rubica said she loved.
I’ll find you.
But then what? What would he do?
He didn’t know. Of course, he had a strong and violent urge. The urge to find that Arman and kill him.
However, he couldn’t make that decision. It wasn’t because his conscience said it was wrong. It wasn’t because of morality, either.
He feared Rubica would never look at him if she found out he had done such a thing.
‘But she will not open her heart to me as long as he is alive.’
It was a dead end, and he was extremely nervous. He had laughed at hearing people say there was no right answer in life, but he hadn’t known he would find himself in such a situation. With his disheveled hair, he thought hard for a long time. Then, he abruptly asked himself something.
Why am I doing this?
That was the strangest thing of all. Rubica. What was in her heart that he was so anxious to get it? Why was he nervous about that wall between them? Why was his heart beating like crazy when he thought of her? Why did he feel so sad when she was cold to him? It was all because of her.
It’s driving me crazy.
He had to meet his doctor, explain his symptoms, and get a prescription as soon as possible. However, he didn’t even order Carl to bring the doctor. He just jumped to his feet and ran to Rubica like a bee looking for honey as soon as the sun went down. The time he could be with her was limited, so he cherished every second of it. He didn’t want to waste that time on seeing the doctor.
After Edgar left, Rubica took a deep breath. Then, she lightly touched her forehead that Edgar just kissed. It was hot as if she had had a cold.
She still couldn’t believe the way Edgar had looked at her in the darkness. His gaze had been like he was really craving for her love and his voice had been sweet like honey. Her heart had beaten fast as if it had been Arman, not Edgar.
No.
She shook her head and blamed her heart.
Wake up, it’s not him.
Edgar was handsome, yes, but her heart beating fast because of him instead of Arman?
Wake up, Rubica.
There’s no way you love him.
You may like pretty things, but you are capable of telling it apart from real love.
Wake up. Being drawn to beauty is different from loving someone.
She put a hand on her chest and breathed deeply. Her heart started to relax.
-I was joking. Don’t overreact.
It had to be true. There was no way that man, who had everything, really wanted her heart. He confused her sometimes, but it was him only teasing her.
Rubica tried to look at her situation objectively. Who was Edgar? His beauty was enough to attract countless girls even without his wealth and talent. Girls don’t care about men’s appearance? That’s only what men hope for. How can a girl resist if a handsome man courts her?
If only there was no danger of throwing your life in a pit… Rubica shook her head hard and tried to get rid of that thought.
Anyway, there had to be many women around Edgar.
Plus, he was 25 years old. He was in the prime of his youth. He had probably done everything with the ladies who craved for him. There was no way girls would leave such a handsome man alone, and most men tended to forget about responsibility when others said it was okay.
Yes, Edgar must have had enough experiences of having fun with girls. Rubica’s life had been ruined after marrying one of these professional womanizers. She didn’t know a thing about such men’s schemes. Edgar was probably enjoying watching her blush at his teasing, after all, he did smile like a devil sometimes.
He had enough girls near him, and there could be only one reason for him to bother to do this to her.
‘… it’s just his lust of conquest. He doesn’t like it that I’m in love with someone else.
Moreover, such a man would live like the wind when the woman finally opened her heart. Rubica knew a woman who was fooled by such a man.
When was it? It was probably when Rubica turned 50. She had been naïve at first but, by that time, she had become an important source of help in the abbey. Children and youths depended on her.
-Rubica.
When the 19-year-old Anna, who was still like a little girl, came to Rubica in tears, her belly had already swollen up. Anna didn’t know a thing. It’s easy to think 19-year-olds know a lot but, in fact, she knew nothing. She used to have a lover, but Zorba, a 30-year-old sailor, had seduced her. Zorba was a wild and charming man, although not as much as Edgar. He had enough women who just wanted to play with him.
Well, Rubica didn’t want to criticize them for having that kind of relationship when they both agreed, although she wasn’t that kind of person herself. However, that bastard got bored of those easy relationships and turned his eyes to the innocent Anna.
