Chapter 944:

"However, when I read, I personally fit my feelings and conditions very well. I find myself similar to this person, but at the same time strangely different from who I read and who I am a listener. I sympathize and partially I understand them, but I haven't formed in my heart. I don't rely on anyone at all. "My way of leaving is free," no one regrets my death. My person is ugly and huge. What does this mean? Who am I, what am I, where did I come from? Where is my destination? These problems keep appearing, but I can't solve them.
"The book "The Life of Plutarch" I own contains the history of a group of founders of the ancient republic. The impact of this book on me is very different from "Walter's Sorrow." I learned from my imagination It came to frustration and depression, but it taught me a lot of thinking. He raised me above the tragic realm of my own reflection to appreciate and love the heroes of the past. Many things I have read are beyond my understanding and experience. Kingdoms, vast countries, vast rivers and endless oceans have very confusing knowledge. But I am completely unfamiliar with towns and large numbers of people. The Protector’s Lodge was once the only school I studied human nature, but this book created a new , More powerful action scenes. I read some people who are related to public affairs, who rule or slaughter their species. As far as I know the meaning of these terms, relatively speaking, I feel that I am most interested in virtue, and I am disgusted with vices. When I apply them, it is only pleasure and pain. Because of these feelings, I certainly admire the lawyers of peace more than Pelle Romulus and Seus, Numa, Sauron and Lai Coogs. The patriarchal life of my protector made these impressions hold my heart firmly; perhaps, if I introduced humanity as a young soldier, burning for glory and slaughter, then I should have been full Different feelings.
"But Paradise Lost inspires different and far-reaching emotions. I read this book just like I read several other real histories. The scene of the Almighty God fighting his creatures is exhilarating and it makes everyone Surprised and in awe. Because of their similarities, I often refer to several situations as my own situation. Like Adam, I am clearly united and have no connection with other things. But his state is in other things. The aspect is very different from mine. He came out of the hands of God and is a perfect creature, happy and rich, and is specially taken care of by the Creator. He is allowed to talk to people with nature and gain knowledge from it, but I feel trivial, Helpless and lonely. Many times, I see Satan as a fitter symbol of my condition, often like him,
"Another situation reinforces and confirms this feeling. Soon after arriving in the cabin, I found some documents from your laboratory in my dress pocket. At first I ignored them, but now I have been able to decrypt what I wrote. I began to study them diligently. This is my diary for the first four months of writing. You describe each step of the work in detail in these documents; this history is intertwined with domestic events. You undoubtedly Will remember these papers. They are coming. Everything in them has to do with my origins. All the details that gave rise to this disgusting series of situations are ready; give me the disgusting and disgusting person The most subtle description, using words to describe my fears, makes my mind indelible. I feel sick when I read it. "A sad day, I got life! "I screamed in pain. "Creator! Why do you form such a terrible monster, do you even hate me? God has mercifully made people beautiful and attractive in his own image. But my form is your dirty The dirty type is even more terrible even if it is very similar. Satan has his companions, companions of the devil to admire and encourage him, but I feel lonely and hated.
"These are reflections of my frustration and loneliness; but when I consider the virtues of the villagers, their friendly and benevolent character, I convince myself that when they get to know my admiration for their virtues, they will sympathize with me and ignore My personal deformity. Can they come out of a person who pleads for sympathy and friendship, no matter how terrible? I am determined to at least not despair, but I will do my best to make myself suitable for their interview, which will determine my fate. I postponed this attempt for a few months because the emphasis on success frightened me so as not to fail. Except,
"At the same time, several changes have taken place in the hut. The existence spread happiness among its residents, and I also found that there is more wealth. Felix and Agatha spent more on entertainment and conversation. More time and assistance from servants. They don’t look rich, but they feel satisfied and happy. Their mood is calm and peaceful, and my life has become more and more turbulent. The increase in knowledge is only for me. It is clearer that I am a poor wanderer. I have hope, this is true, but when I see my person reflected by the water or the shadow under the moonlight, it disappears, even the fragile image And uncertain shadows.
"I worked hard to eliminate these fears and prepare for my own trial. A few months later, I was determined to accept the trial; sometimes, I allowed my mind to wander in the realm of heaven without being restricted by reason, and dare to dream and be amiable Cute creatures sympathize with my mood and cheer for my melancholy. Their angelic expressions are comforting. But it is all a dream; there is no Eve to soothe my sorrow, nor share my thoughts. I am alone. I remember Adam's plea to his creator. But what about mine? He abandoned me, and the bitterness in my heart cursed him.
"Autumn passed like this. I was surprised to see the leaves rot and fall, and nature once again took on the barren and desolate appearance I wore when I saw the woods and the lovely moon. But I did not pay attention to the dim weather. Mine. Body shape is more suitable for me than hot or cold. But my main pleasure is seeing flowers, birds and all the clothing in summer. When those people abandon me, I pay more attention to the cabin. Without summer, their happiness does not diminish. They love and sympathize with each other. Their casualties did not interfere with each other because of their casualties. The more I know about them, the more I desire their protection and kindness. My heart desires to be harmonized by them. Known and loved by dear animals; seeing their sweet expressions pointing directly at me with love is my biggest ambition. I can’t imagine that they would shut them out with disdain and terror. Stop at them The poor at the door of the house have never been driven away. My request is indeed to have a little wealth, not to eat more or to rest: I need kindness and compassion. But I don’t believe that I am not worth it.
"Winter is here, and since I woke up, the whole season has revolutionized. My attention at this time is only on my plan to introduce myself to the Protector's Hut. I have dealt with many projects, but finally decided on the problem to be solved. Yes, when the blind old man enters the house when he should live alone. I am witty enough to find that the unnatural ugliness of my person is the main object of terror for those who have seen me. My voice is harsh, but nothing terrible. Therefore, I think that if I can get old Lacey’s kindness and mediation in the absence of his children, my young protector might tolerate me in his way.
"One day, when the sun was shining on the red leaves scattered on the ground and spreading happiness, despite its denial of warmth, Safi, Agatha and Felix walked a long country road, and this old man He left according to his wishes. Alone in the hut. When his children left, he picked up the guitar and played a few sad and sweet music, which was sweeter and sadder than I had heard before. At first, His face was illuminated with joy, but as he continued, contemplation and sadness succeeded. He desperately put the instrument aside, obsessed with reflection.
"My heart beats faster; this is the moment and moment of judgment, which will determine my hope or realize my fear. The servant went to a nearby market. There was silence in and around the hut. This is an excellent opportunity. ; But when I continued to execute the plan, my limbs prevented me from standing, and I sank. I stood up again and tried my best to remove the wooden planks placed in front of the hut to hide my retreat. Fresh air Resurrected me, I decided to redefine and approached the door of their hut.
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