Chapter 80: He loves me very much

Chapter Eighty
Zhuang Yan and Yan Xi met at a coffee shop.
When Yan Xi came, Zhuang Yan was already waiting. He didn't pay attention to Yan Xi's arrival, quietly looking at the coffee on hand in a daze.
He didn't look up until the opposite chair was pulled away by Yan Xi: "Here?"
Yan Xi frowned, glanced at the empty space next to Zhuang Yan, then looked at the cup of coffee on the table, and asked in a low voice, "Where is Xie Ning?"
Zhuang Yan asked him out in the name of Xie Ning. I didn't see Xie Ning's person at the moment, and Yan Xi was obviously impatient.
But Zhuang Yan has no other choice. He will not be in the name of Xie Ning on his plane tonight, and Yan Xi may not be there.
"He didn't come." Zhuang Yan handed him the menu on the table, "I have something to talk to you."
Yan Xi didn't pick up the menu, and even stood up: "I don't think we have anything to make an appointment to talk about."
Zhuang Yan said, "Xie Ning went out this afternoon."
Yan Xi frowned.
Zhuang Yan added: "If I guessed correctly, I should go to see Doctor Ji."
Yan Xi sat down: "What do you want to talk about?"
He was willing to talk, but Zhuang Yan paused instead.
He took a sip of coffee, and his brows were slightly twisted, as if thinking about where to find an entry point.
While waiting for Yan Xi to come over, he has been thinking about this, and he has also thought about several ways to hit the side, but when he meets people, he feels that if he is tactful, Yan Xi might be the same as before. Practice Tai Chi.
He didn't have much time to wait, so he asked Yan Xi straightforwardly: "Xie Ning has committed suicide, hasn't he?"
When the voice fell, he felt that the whole cafe was quiet.
Yan Xi, who was sitting across from him, was also stunned. Zhuang Yan shook his hand that was originally relaxing on the table.
"How did you know?" He did not deny.
"This is not the point." Zhuang Yan said, "and it's not hard to guess. Xie Ning has a bird tattoo on his left wrist, doesn't it?"
Yan Xi let out an "um".
Zhuang Yan: "But Xie Ning's personality is not like someone who can get tattoos. He doesn't have such a sense of rebellion. I've been thinking before, what is the special meaning of birds. Xie Ning said that it means freedom. "
Yan Xi lowered his head and said nothing.
Zhuang Yan said: "Later I remembered that many people got tattoos, not because they liked it, or because they wanted to declare something, but to cover the scar... If you think about it from this perspective, the wound on the wrist, What else can it be?"
"It makes sense for you to guess that way." Yan Xi nodded blankly.
"Of course it's not just because of this." Zhuang Yan looked at him, "I also said that this is not the point."
Yan Xi leaned back in his chair and asked him, "Then what do you want to know from me?"
Zhuang Yan was quiet for a few seconds, and then said, "I want to know-why he committed suicide."
Yan Xi sat there and asked instead, "Why don't you ask Xie Ning?"
Unlike Yan Xi's posture where he is leaning on the back of the chair, Zhuang Yan sits upright and looks very solemn. He slowly said, "I don't want him to remember the past... after all, it's not beautiful. My memories are even painful. Every time I mention it, it’s like lifting the scar again. Even if it doesn’t hurt anymore, it still looks hideous."
He said: "I hope he is always happy in front of me."
The opposite Yan Xi smiled inconspicuously, and quickly grabbed it: "I told you before that Xie Ning is very repulsive of psychotherapy. Do you know why?"
Zhuang Yan frowned slightly: "He has also received psychotherapy before, but the psychologist Xia Wan is looking for is not formal."
Yan Xi sneered: "He has received treatment, and it is a very extreme mental treatment."
Zhuang Yan paused and looked directly at Yan Xi. He didn't seem to understand: "...Extreme spiritual treatment?"
Yan Xi closed his eyes and said, "It's what you can think of, compulsory medication, electric shock correction...There are other aversion treatments."
"Electric shock?" Zhuang Yan looked at him in disbelief, and said nothing for a while.
At this time, the waiter happened to come over and asked Yan Xi what he needed.
He didn't pay attention to what Yan Xi ordered last, until after the waiter left, he scolded an expletive.
"I don't know." He whispered, "His previous psychological counselor, I have checked, and I haven't used any extreme methods."
Yan Xi smiled mockingly: "Of course it wasn't at that time, it was probably earlier. You shouldn't find it, right?"
Zhuang Yan shook his head: "I didn't investigate too deeply."
"That was the first time when Xie Ning came out to his parents." Yan Xi said, "In the summer vacation that year, he was sent to the correctional center...or summer camp? I don't remember exactly how I called it. In short, it was you. As you can imagine, discipline and care for disobedient children, cure Internet addiction or other problems...Of course, they also claim to be able to cure homosexuality."
Zhuang Yan's face was chilly, and it took him a long time to resist cursing.
Yan Xi went on to say: "There is simply not a place for normal people to stay, even if you are not sick, you can get sick... Since then, Xie Ning's personality has completely changed."
"Do you know how long Xie Ning was sent to stay?"
Zhuang Yan shook his head.
Yan Xi said: "Three months... more than a hundred days."
After a pause, he asked again: "Do you know how Xie Ning came out?"
Without waiting for Zhuang Yan to respond this time, he replied by himself: "It was because of an accident."
Maybe something has been held in his heart for too long. Once a mouth is opened, it is like a flood that opens the gate. He can talk about it all without being asked.
"There is another person who received treatment with Shaining, who is also gay..."
"One day, maybe after getting an electric shock, he probably had a mental breakdown. He couldn't bear it anyway, and he jumped out of the corridor window."
"It's on the fourth floor. People disappeared on the spot, saying it was suicide."
"Because of the loss of life, the correctional institution attracted local attention and was banned."
"Xie Ning... was there at the time."
Zhuang Yan looked at him abruptly.
"He saw it with his own eyes..." Yan Xi's voice was a little dumb, "Seeing how that person jumped out of his eyes."
Zhuang Yan couldn't imagine the scene.
He only felt that his chest was so tight that the whole figure seemed to be sunk to the bottom, making it hard for him to breathe.
He was silent for a long time, and finally asked with difficulty: "Xie Ning's fear of heights... is it because of this?"
Yan Xi was stunned for a moment, then nodded: "It should be."
Zhuang Yan didn't speak any more, the coffee suddenly became very bitter, he took a sip, and it flowed into his stomach with a bitter and sour feeling.
"You guessed right before. He committed suicide." Yan Xi's topic turned a bit quickly. "It almost succeeded...If it wasn't for that day, I wanted to find him on a whim."
"The knife used to cut fruits, when I arrived, he had lost consciousness, and the entire bathtub was bloody..." Yan Xi choked, "That scene has become my nightmare for a long time. I am always very worried about him. Others laugh at me like an old mother and worry about everything for him, but I am really afraid...Every time he loses contact, it reminds me of the scene I saw that day."
"Even if his emotions have stabilized and he no longer has suicidal tendencies, I always persuade him to go out and talk more with others, and not to close himself up. I am really and really afraid of when he will behave towards everything around him. I don’t have any interest anymore, and I have no nostalgia for this world."
"I hope he can get involved in this world a little bit more, maybe it's me, maybe it's Mr. Xie, or the lover who can hold him back."
Yan Xi's voice was dumb as if she was crying: "You know, what makes me sad the most?"
Zhuang Yan: "What?"
"It's me who knows that the Xie Ning I first met can't come back anymore."
Yan Xi lightly sneered, "Have you seen the photos of Xie Ning when he was a child?"
Zhuang Yan shook his head: "No."
Yan Xi paused for a while, and pulled out a photo from the compartment of the wallet.
He flipped through it for a long time before carefully placing the collected photos on the table: "Then you certainly can't imagine what Xie Ning was like before."
"He is very cheerful and loves to laugh. I am happy from morning to night, as if nothing can make him lose his vitality. Just by staying by his side, you can draw a burst of energy." Yan Xi said. "Like a little sun."
Zhuang Yan lowered his head in a daze.
In the photo, the two boys with shoulders and backs smiled brilliantly when facing the camera. Just looking at them, you can feel the vigorous vigor.
Zhuang Yan didn't recognize Xie Ning as one of them.
"You said, how could he become like this?"
Why did his little sun go out little by little.
Yan Xi finally couldn't help crying: "Sometimes, I really hate..."
"Xie Ning, he..."
"What the did he do wrong, will he be forced to be like this little by little."
...
"Sometimes I think about what I did wrong to endure the pain."
Xie Ning looked at Ji Wenbin and said calmly, "For countless nights, I have asked myself whether I was born into this world and I was born to like the same sex, which is wrong."
"You are not wrong." Ji Wenbin smiled.
"Yeah." Xie Ning sat quietly across from him, repeating his voice firmly, "I'm not wrong."
Ji Wenbin said: "You are now willing to tell me these things, maybe it means that you have walked out of the past."
Xie Ning: "I don't know."
"Your voice has been very calm just now, and your emotions are very stable." Ji Wenbin's voice is gentle, "Even if you think about it, you won't be swallowed by that kind of pain, will you?"
Xie Ning was quiet for a few seconds, as if thinking.
After a while, he smiled and said, "Probably, something sweeter has appeared in life, making the pain in the past become insignificant."
"Perhaps I endured these pains just to cherish this hard-won happiness even more."
"Really?" Ji Wenbin asked.
"Yeah." Xie Ning said, "Doctor Ji, I'm getting married."
Ji Wenbin raised his eyebrows in surprise, and then blessed: "Congratulations."
He said: "Your marriage partner must love you very much."
"Yes, he loves me very much." Xie Ning's expression became gentle, and the corners of her lips curled up slightly.
He was sitting on the sofa, his face was white under the soft light, but this whiteness was not sick, and there was a healthy rosy on his cheeks.
The dense eyelashes cast a shadow, covering his slightly shy eyes.
"As long as I am by his side, I feel at ease. He is like my light, driving away pain and darkness."
Xie Ning said slowly: "I love him too."
The author has something to say: 　　 the one who committed suicide in the corridor... Chapter 53 mentioned it vaguely.
The ending is also against Chapter 53.
He is my light.
Thanks to the little angel who voted for me or irrigated the nutrient solution~
Thanks to the little angels who cast [land mines]: the 27th of the twelfth lunar month, tufted-, Ayun, 25995241, 1 son Huhai;
Thanks to the little angel who irrigated [nutrient solution]:
Yipu 110 bottles; fruit-filled buns, 42 bottles of the arrogant wife of the soul-suppressing lord; 32 bottles of Linnan; 22 bottles of sentimentality; tofu, Sugita yeye, rathcesia93, A Rong, 3129244720 bottles; alone in Gaotai, Twelfth Lunar Twenty-seven, Ye Buxiu Lao Gong:), mingming, Ke Ke, Li Keng Keng, Jiang Qiyun, Donglou He Chao, A Yun 10 bottles; Meat-loving Cow Cub, Nan Qiao 8 bottles; Yu Yu 7 bottles 226265766 bottles; cat toys, Wenqingqingqingqing, "Moshanghua'liren sorrow'", Hua Mo Weixi, Qiran is not Qiqi 5 bottles; Gu Ansheng, Xiaowu Xiaoye, Han 3 bottles; 12345, It is rare to fall into the pit-2 bottles of pia ～, cool and shady, soft and soft; 19,186,555, Luo Wei, leave a cup of wine, Xiao r, Qi Yao, doudou, 1 bottle of Caitou;
Thank you very much for your support, I will continue to work hard! Fupin Chinese