Chapter 46: Tears in my heart

The light rain fell in the spring, and it was blown diagonally by the breeze, and the raindrops fell on the window glass, gradually converging into bits and pieces, sliding down the glass.
Nine-year-old Xiao Fan stood by the window, looking at the drops of water on the glass, his eyes were numb and his expression indifferent.
Xiao Fan is a secondary latent wound patient.
A month ago, Su Yutan brought him out of his native family and brought him to the Xinhai Children's Welfare Center.
Xiao Fan's real name is Jin Renjie.
In the third week of coming to the Child Welfare Center, he gave himself a new name, called "Duguofan." He said: He was an ordinary ordinary person and could not be a "human hero". Please call him Xiaofan in the future.
Xiao Fan's father is Jin Shihao, and her mother is Wu Ziyan.
They originally operated a gym, but three months ago, the gym closed down.
Now Jin Shihao and Wu Ziyan are in a divorce lawsuit.
They have no property left to fight. The reason for not being able to get together well is that neither wants to raise his son after a divorce.
They quarreled from the house to the Social Affairs Bureau and to the court. They all said that having a child was the other's idea. After the divorce, the other should raise the child.
They accused each other of not wanting to raise children because they were afraid of delaying their search for the second spring. But when it comes to yourself, you can find many "last resort" reasons to shirk the responsibility of raising children.
The judge will not grind with such people, and yesterday announced a verdict on them: at the same time deprive them of the custody of their children, at the same time punish the "punitive high maintenance tax"; transfer Xiao Fan's custody to the government.
The punitive high maintenance tax and the punitive high maintenance fee are the same.
The difference is only that: "Maintenance tax" is the tax paid to the finances; "Maintenance fee" is the actual guardian paid to the child.
The maintenance period of the "Maintenance Tax" is the same as the period of the maintenance payment. It starts from the deprivation of custody and ends when the child reaches the age of 18. What is the specific tax payment amount, there is a more complicated algorithm.
The existence of the "upbringing tax" is to deal with people who care about themselves and don't support them, such as Jin Shihao and Wu Ziyan.
After the guardianship is taken over by the government, Xiao Fan can choose to live in a child welfare center or choose to enter the adoption process.
If he chooses to enter the adoption process, the Social Affairs Bureau will screen out suitable registered volunteers to meet him. If both parties are willing, sign an adoption agreement.
If Xiao Fan is adopted, his adoptive parents can get a government subsidy.
The amount of subsidy will not be too high or too low, so as not to make people rich, but it can also dispel the financial concerns of some caring people and increase their willingness to adopt.
So now, Su Yutan needs to ask Xiaofan: "Do you want to stay in a child welfare center or do you want to be adopted?"
Xiao Fan seemed to not hear her, and continued to look at the drops of water on the window glass.
Su Yutan did not urge him, standing beside him, patiently watching Chunyu with him.
After a while, Xiaofan said suddenly, "Do you know why I like to watch the rain on the glass windows?"
Su Yutan looked sideways and smiled slightly: "Because the rain on the glass window is like tears in your heart?"
Xiaofan turned her head and looked at her in surprise: "How do you know?"
"I guess. Right?"
"Yes!" Xiao Fan turned his head to look out the window again, and his expression returned to his indifference. "In the past six months, I often wanted to cry but couldn't cry. Every time I saw these raindrops flowing down the glass, I felt, It's like tears are flowing down my throat. The feeling of tears in my heart is really uncomfortable. "
Su Yutan stretched out his hand, rubbed his shoulder, and said softly, "It will be fine. When the sun shines in your heart, those tears will slowly evaporate."
Xiaofan was silent for a while, and then asked, "Aunt Su, why do people have children?"
Su Yutan thinks: This question is difficult to answer.
She thought for a while and then said cautiously: "The reproduction of offspring is the biological instinct engraved in genes, and is the fundamental guarantee of the endless nature of nature. The most primitive motivation for having children is to pass on their genes."
Survival and reproduction are the two main themes of life.
"But my parents gave me not for the reason you said." Xiao Fan said indifferently, "They gave me to compare with others."
"Who said this?"
"They said it when they quarreled. Because other people have children, they also want to have a child; because others are showing off their baby, they want to have a cuter baby and show it back. Unfortunately, I have no other baby to be smart and cute, Can't satisfy the heart they want to show off, let them down ... "
It seemed to be lingering for a long time, Xiao Fan faced the glass window full of water drops, and finally opened the conversation box.
He said: His mother always thinks that he looks ugly; his father always thinks that he is not clever enough in the accident.
He said: His spiritual level is only 7%, and his master talent is only Grade B, which is far from the standard of genius, which has disappointed his parents.
He said: His parents used to report to him in various classes and let him learn this and that. He works hard and is not the worst, but his parents always compare him to the best children. He can't compare, he will be counted.
His father often said: Just like you, what can you do in the future?
His mother always said: Can't you learn from XXX? You look at people, then look at yourself, do you know what the gap is?
They often poke his head and said: Do stupid birds fly first? You are not smart anymore. If you do n’t work hard, you can only ask for food in the future.
From time to time, they put his ears in his ears and said: Do you know how much I paid for you? Why are you so ignorant? Why are you so angry? How can you deserve me?
From time to time, his parents expressed regret for having him.
The first commonly used sentence pattern is: I knew you were this bear-like, I knew you were so disobedient, I knew you were so disobedient ... I shouldn't have given birth to you.
The second commonly used sentence is: Without you being dragged, I would have traveled around the universe long ago, I would have divorced your father (mum), and I would have been ...
Every time he heard such words, Xiaofan felt that he was a person who should not exist.
He felt that his parents gave birth to him as if he had bought a low-quality product that he did not like, was troublesome, but could not be returned.
Xiaofan said: "I was still holding on to hope in the hope that they didn't reject me as much as they showed. But when they divorced, no one wanted me. At that moment I really understood one thing: They really hate me, they really want to abandon me.
"I feel sad ... Aunt Su, really sad!"
He was sad in his mouth, but his expression was still indifferent and his eyes were still numb.
Su Yutan knows: This is a morbid reaction, an emotional detachment caused by his secondary latent wound.
In this state, he can look at and handle his relationship with his parents with an outside mindset.
This ability is an instinctive choice for the subconscious to escape greater trauma, and a self-protection mechanism for the human spiritual world.
But this self-protection mechanism has a big sequelae-emotional separation, it is not so easy to restore; the longer the separation, the more difficult it is to restore. Too long to leave, there is really no normal human feelings.
Su Yutan sighed: Fortunately, Xiao Fan's latent wounds were only secondary. When he grows up, there is a possibility of self-healing.
Of course, it takes great wisdom, courage and will, and sometimes a little chance.
If he cannot control his illness, it will be difficult for him to establish a healthy close relationship with others.
In other words: the shadow of his childhood has reserved a place for him to be "orphaned"; if he wants to return the goods, he will need to make great efforts.
Xiao Fan turned his head to look at Su Yutan, and answered her question seriously: "So, I want to stay here and don't want to be adopted. No one here will ever abandon me, and no one will be dragged by me. I will not delay Anyone's youth, freedom, good life, and happy life. I'm here, I'm comfortable and comfortable. "
Su Yutan didn't object, but just said, "Okay! But according to the procedure, I still have to say: You can change your mind at any time. If you change your mind, you can tell me at any time. You know?"
Xiaofan said, "I won't change my mind."
He turned his head again, looking at the drops of water on the window glass, wondering if he was measuring how deep the tears accumulated in his heart.
Su Yutan suddenly remembered the day she took Xiaofan away.
When she came home that day, Jin Shihao and Wu Ziyan were arguing.
When she said she would take Xiaofan away, Jin Shihao and Wu Ziyan stopped arguing, one hid in the master bedroom and the other stood on the balcony and smoked.
Xiaofan returned to his room obediently, packed a small box by himself, and silently followed Su Yutan in his parents' avoidance and silence.
When leaving the house, Xiaofan had tears in her eyes, but did not look back.
It was a silent farewell, which did not make people cry, but made people feel depressed.
Xiao Fan was brought here by Su Yutan to the Child Welfare Center.
There are special staff to take care of the children's diet and take their children to the doctor. When their situation stabilizes, they can also study in online schools. If you live long, you can go to a physical school.
As a social worker, Su Yutan kept visiting Xiaofan once a week.
This frequency will not bother Xiaofan or make him feel forgotten.
After that continuous spring rain, Su Yutan visited Xiaofan for the sixth time.
The weather has cleared up and a bright sun is revealed.
Xiao Fan's expression and eyes still did not change much.
He told Su Yutan: his parents had called him.
"They all said: it was for my good and I was afraid that I would suffer with them, so I pretended not to want me and let me enter the child welfare center. They also said that I can eat and wear warm and acceptable A better education can have a better future. "
When he said that, Xiaofan's indifferent face showed a little ironic smile.
"You said, should I trust them?" He asked Su Yutan.
Su Yutan patted him on the shoulder and said with a smile, "You need to judge this question yourself. If you can't judge it now, you can set it aside. When you grow up, you can judge it."
Xiao Fan glanced at her, and the corners of his mouth seemed to evoke a little bit: "Thank you for not saying 'Parents who are all in the world,' Mom and Dad are all for your good. 'You know that? It really makes me sick. "
Su Yutan laughed. As a professional social worker, she would not say such a thing.
If "the world is a parent", is it necessary for the "Parental Qualification Certificate" and the existence of a social worker? Has the incident of hurting children under the banner of "being good for you" ever happened in the history of this planet?
"I don't believe them." After testing Su Yutan's stance, Xiao Fan succinctly stated his conclusion, "If they haven't rejected me like that before and didn't regret giving birth to me, I might still believe ... ... "
Speaking later, his voice was slightly hoarse.
"Then why do you think they made this call?" Su Yutan became a temporary psychological counselor when he saw his desire to talk.
Xiaofan's voice returned to calm and indifferent again: "I guess they are afraid that they will grow old and no one will support them. Let me first relax the relationship with them. Anyway, they have got rid of me, and there is no harm in doing so. In case I don't Careful and developed, they can come to the door, cry and regret it, and then continue to let me obey them. "
Su Yutan feels that Xiao Fan's confession "for you" should be half true and half false.
The real place is: Xiao Fan's entry into the child welfare center is indeed better than following them.
The fake point is that they forgiven children for whom and for what, only they know best.
She felt that Xiao Fan's thoughts were too obscure. But she couldn't tell him directly: you are wrong to think so.
Because Xiaofan already has his own ideas. Simply negating his ideas will only reduce his willingness to communicate and make his spirit feel more lonely.
It takes a long and patient process to shine the sunlight into his tearful heart.
When I went to see Xiao Fan, Su Yutan gave him a diary.
"You try to write a diary!" She said to Xiaofan, "write down your thoughts in the diary. After writing, don't think about that idea again. The universe is so big, there are so many things to think about, you can Write, you can't always turn around in some thoughts, right? "
Writing a diary is also a way of talking.
In addition, Xiao Fan is actually a very thoughtful child who can encourage him to go on the road of writing.
Xiaofan looked at the diary, which was neither fine nor rough, and reached for it.
"Thank you, Aunt Su. I will remember you." A blunt, polite smile squeezed out of his face.