Chapter 10:

Li Wei's mother, Lin Fen, died of dystocia when he gave birth.
So what he once said that the mother who immigrated to Canada when he was very young and would come back to accompany him whenever he encountered some difficulties was all his own fantasy.
Janet, the mother in his mind, has a nice English name...
Li Wei's delusion is very serious, not only auditory hallucinations, but also deeper hallucinations.
In his previous life, after Li Wei committed suicide, his psychiatrist Michael accepted a mental health talk show in which he was talked about.
Michael said that Li Wei didn't realize that he was likely to have delusions until he became an adult, and he was the most serious delusion with hallucinations.
This kind of cognition is very terrible, no one can accept it, especially for a person like him with strong self-control ability.
He could not accept the fact that his mother passed away many years ago, let alone his terrible schizophrenia.
He began to lose the distinction between reality and delusion, and he became extremely sensitive and neurotic. From then on, he suspected that all the surrounding reality was false, even doubted the authenticity of the basic theoretical physics he studied, and doubted whether scientific truths existed.
World outlook guide methodology, firmly believed in the materialist world outlook for nearly two decades, after experiencing the illusions and auditory hallucinations of careful thought and fear, cracks began to appear.
For him, the collapse of his beliefs, who existed in this world alone, was an irresistible storm, enough to destroy all cognition and persistence.
He had no thoughts about everything in the world, and lost the only faith in his life. How terrible...
So, in his sophomore year, Li Wei broke out several times with severe depression, and started his first psychological treatment and fight against the disease.
After that, he took a semester off and suspended his schoolwork and research work.
In the blank of that semester, so far no one knows where he went. No one knows how he survived those days, how he told himself over and over again that the world was real, and only he himself had a problem.
But after he returned, he found a way to escape and suppress his mental illness, and resume his studies with difficulty.
Fortunately, the other side of mental illness is his insight and perception of the world that surpasses others a hundred times.
His research went well.
In his junior year, Li Wei made a very important breakthrough in the field of dual entanglement entropy with his amazing scientific talents. He published a PRL with an amazing amount of citations in just a few months, and the entire theoretical physics community was a sensation.
This article was rated as the most important development in this field in the past ten years. Many people could not believe that the first author of the article was a junior undergraduate.
Later, he was successfully admitted to Stanford as a full-awarded PhD. He received his PhD within three years, and he was even hired as a full professor at Princeton University after only one year of postdoctoral work after graduation.
Behind the scenery and sensation, for him, there is a darkness where no hope can be seen. Can't break free, can't escape, like stepping on a single-plank bridge over the abyss, a slight error will be forever.
Michael said that due to his busy research work, he has no intention to calm down and think about his life, subconsciously suppressing his mental illness and using drugs to control it.
The effect of drugs on the delusion is very limited, and it has a certain degree of damage to his memory and judgment. The dose of medicine increased day by day, but his mental illness became more and more serious.
At the age of thirty-five, he finally made a huge breakthrough in the subject he had studied for many years, and won the Nobel Prize in Physics that year.
As a result, everything that had previously been suppressed broke out, and after repeated efforts to resist failure, he, like his father, chose to end his life.
On the day before the awards ceremony, he committed suicide by cutting his wrist in the bathroom at home. Zhang Man saw a censored picture on Weibo. The large bright red background once made her fall into a nightmare.
No one knows whether he was in despair or relief at that time.
He once said that he had a hunch that one day, the darkness would completely swallow him.
The world is like a vast universe, not every planet can be fortunate enough to complete all the evolution and collapse in a stable and stable manner. There are some people who are born unfortunate. They tossed and stumbling all their lives, trying their best to live in this world, but they were driven to ruin again and again by fate.
He can't escape.
...
The weather in September is changeable, the day is still scorching, but now it is lightning and thunder, violent storms come suddenly, and the violent raindrops knocked down the turquoise wall climbing tiger on the windowsill without any pity.
It has been sultry and humid for several days, and the water vapor in the air has reached saturation. With the onset of heavy rain, the temperature dropped sharply.
The night outside the window is like ink, and there is no moonlight in such a rainstorm. Many pedestrians outside were caught off guard and ran away in embarrassment, looking for an eaves to hide from the rain. In this heavy rain, everyone can only compromise and stop for a while.
Except time.
Time walks unimpeded, it is the most merciless, repeating forward and abandoning, never staying.
The screen window in the room was half opened, and the cold wind blew in, bringing a burst of cold water vapor. Zhang Man raised his hand to cover his eyes, tears running down the corners of his eyes, wet the pillow.
She knew that she was never a brave and smart person, but she was a little bit more persistent than others.
One day, she will be able to pull him out of his own world, five years if one year fails, and ten years if five years fails.
Fortunately, there are still nearly two decades.
But now, Li Wei is completely unaware of the fact that he suffers from delusion. In his consciousness, his mother will come back every time he needs her.
The trigger point this time should be the letter of apology that requires a parent's signature.
His delusion can actually be found in many details.
For example, Zhang Man carefully compared the signature on the letter of apology. That handwriting is actually the more delicate version of Li Wei's own handwriting.
Also, his kitchen was spotless, and there was no trace of cooking, not to mention two takeaway boxes in the trash can.
But often people who have this disease will unconsciously ignore some unreasonable points, even if they are someone with rigorous logical thinking like Li Wei.
Therefore, it is very difficult and extremely dangerous for him to discover this by himself, and it is easy to cause a huge blow to his mental state, just like in his previous life.
Thinking of all the possibilities, Zhang Man passed out in a daze, his temples swelling sorely. That night, amidst the roar of thunder that never stopped, she started a nightmare again and again. The background in the dream was half a dazzling bright red and half a crippling darkness.
Just like the previous life.
. ...
After a night of heavy rain, the sultry weather was a little fresher, and a few sparrows stopped on the windowsill and screamed.
Zhang Man didn't feel right when he woke up. The sunlight outside came in through the window, and he could feel the weak and uncomfortable scorching heat with his eyes closed.
She was weak and had a splitting headache, and her throat was so painful that there were countless knives hidden in her.
Not to mention getting up, I can't even move.
Damn it, it should have been heatstroke outside yesterday. I came back to blow the fan for so long. Then it rained outside without closing the window and caught a cold. She screamed in a daze, Zhang Huifang came in from outside and reached out and touched her forehead.
"Zhang Man, what did you do, your forehead is so hot? I found out when I came back yesterday that you fell asleep without closing the window." Zhang Huifang's palm was burnt and she patted her red cheeks, her tone a little anxious .
Zhang Man opened his mouth to explain, his throat was so hoarse that there was no sound.
Zhang Huifang turned out a thermometer from the medicine box on the bedside table and put it under her armpit. A few minutes later, he picked it up and found that it was 39 degrees.
"It's too hot, Man Man. Can you hold on? Let me take you to the hospital." She stretched her hands under Zhang Man's arms, hugged her from the bed, and helped her get dressed. .
Zhang Man was shocked, his thinking became unclear because of fever.
Vine.
She seems to have not heard Zhang Huifang call her that for a long, long time.
I vaguely remember that when she was young, Zhang Huifang would also hold her, dress her beautifully and take her out, and call her affectionately when introducing her to her friends. But then she became more and more silent, and the relationship between the mother and daughter became cold.
The turbulent thoughts didn't last long, and she passed out from the fire.
. ...
Zhang Man was awakened by a burst of crying. She opened her eyes and found that she was in the infusion area of ​​the hospital. There were a dozen or twenty single beds in the large room, some of them were empty, but most of them were hanging bottles.
The one who was crying was a child who was getting an injection. He turned his head in fear and dared not look at the needle in the nurse's hand, and cried with his mouth open.
The smell of disinfectant in the air was so strong that she was a little uncomfortable with it. She turned over and coughed, and her head was a little groggy.
Zhang Huifang fell asleep next to her and was awakened by the movement of her turning over. She raised her head and said in surprise: "Zhang Man, are you awake? Drink water?"
Zhang Man nodded, and sat up in a daze. She raised her hand and found that her left hand was also dripping.
Zhang Huifang went to the drinking fountain in the ward and picked up a glass of water, helped her sit up, and fed her a small cup.
"Want to eat something? I bought fried noodles and wontons." Zhang Huifang pressed the corner of her mouth with a tissue.
What to eat...Oops!
The dizzy brain suddenly became sober, Zhang Man remembered that she had promised Li Wei yesterday to cook for him earlier today. She hurriedly got up from the bed and wanted to go out wearing shoes, but Zhang Huifang held her back.
"Why are you going and don't look at what time it is now? It's burning so badly, what are you tossing about? Honestly, I haven't finished the drip."
Zhang Man was stunned for a moment, and the fluorescent light above her head dazzled, only to realize that it was night now and she actually fell asleep all day...
With a twitch in her heart, her nerves began to tense.
I don't know if Li Wei will always wait for him hungry at home. He should be so stupid, right?