Chapter 124:

Jiang Yan forced himself to believe that people actually need to talk.
Although I often feel that I don't want to talk, I don't want to move, I just want to be so boring, trembling, afraid that even a small movement will stir the mud under the calm water.
But the same words and thoughts lingered in my mind. Every time I touched a place, I left a trail, going back and forth, slowly piled up, and finally turned into a mountain that could not be passed.
Open your mouth, speak out, hear your own voice, hear every word, every word in your heart, every word, what you think, complain, aggrieved, angry, puzzled ... From moment to moment, you pull away sentence by sentence, and the last thing left is the direction in which you are buried deepest.
In the last week before the final exam, Jiang Yan went to B University three times to find Xu Xingzhi.
"It's not psychological counseling, you can talk to me," Xu Xingzhi said, "you say, I listen."
In some words, in the face of a relatively unfamiliar person, Xu Xingzhi was a perfect listener in this kind of venting confession.
He didn't even give any suggestion, just listened quietly, and occasionally should say one or two.
Jiang Yan felt that what he had said in a month was not as much as these days. He never thought that he had so many things in his heart.
"I'm not afraid of being denied. I haven't been much affirmed since I was a kid. I have to be certain of myself, and I have to listen to myself. I said I'm okay, I'm okay." Grasping gently, "How much I did for him, if it were to be erased one day, it would be erased. I don't care, I do n’t want him to remember me, think of me, how good I am I know, I do n’t need him to know what I did, what I want to do, because I want to. "
"It's hard to buy anything, I'm willing." Xu Xingzhi said.
"Well," Jiang Yan pinched the cat's paw, "but I know why, I always wanted to ask why, why? Then I thought, there is no why, how did he grow up, and under what circumstances Yes, what he is most afraid of is earning nothing, because he knows what it means to be earning nothing, and giving up himself is his best protection method, whether it is to protect himself or to protect others ... Did you say that? I feel like I say it every time? "
"I didn't pay attention," Xu Xingzhi smiled. "Say the important thing three times, and always say the most important thing ... you have a better voice today."
"It's a lot better, the chop throat has returned to the male duck's throat," Jiang Yan drank, sipped his tea, and looked down at the squinting cat. "It should be fine during the holiday ..."
"The other day you said you still wanted me to meet my sister, didn't you?" Xu Xingzhi reached out from the window sill and hugged a passing black cat, rubbing his hair on his leg.
"Well, I know about it, it's ... it's very difficult for you," Jiang Yan bit his lip. "But now I have no other way. I like little girls, and even if there is a little girl The progress of her can also let her brother see hope. "
"I can go, but if he does, he doesn't agree?" Xu Xingzhi said, "After all, you two are like this because he doesn't want you to make nothing."
This sentence made Jiang Yan frown.
Every time he faced Xu Xingzhi as if he was talking about himself, he avoided this detail.
No, this is not the details, this is the source of all his talks.
Avoided by him, although he did not intentionally avoid it, he did so subconsciously.
He said to himself, to Gu Fei, he could explain all why, me why, he why.
It's like an old fairy who knows everything through the world.
But when Xu Xingzhi said "Now you two are like this", he suddenly returned to God and once again faced him and Gu Fei's reality.
No matter how much you say, explain yourself.
After all, they broke up.
They haven't been connected for even a second since that day.
Gu Fei's circle of friends has never been updated.
Jiang Yan's circle of friends will be updated frequently, but he has never posted anything that only Gu Fei can understand the meaning of the second level.
No more selfies.
Leaning on the back of the chair, Jiang Yan lighted up the phone screen.
Both the lock screen and the desktop are still Gu Fei, and the WeChat chat background is Gu Fei, but he has been blind.
In the field of vision, these familiar photos and familiar faces of Gu Fei were unconsciously blocked by him. The photos and videos stored on his mobile phone were never opened again.
Until now, he was turned up again with fresh pain, and he sighed softly. Those who abused the dogs are now themselves.
"I think you need to have a clear understanding of several issues." Xu Xingzhi looked at him.
"Um." Jiang Yan snapped her phone to the table.
"First, Gu Fei may refuse treatment, and second, the treatment may not be useful, because the previous judgments did not see people," Xu Xingzhi said lightly, and said, "third, you When I have time and willingness, I will give you an anxiety test ... "
"Are you afraid of my depression?" Jiang Yan smiled.
"No," Xu Xingzhi said, "but you are very anxious now."
"Um." Jiang Yan sighed.
"There is another important point," Xu Xingzhi said, "I'm reminding you as a friend, don't pin your compound hope on your sister. This kind of exchange-type psychology is not good for both of you."
"I understand," Jiang Yan nodded. "Thank you."
He himself has been desperately reading a book on psychology for a long time, and usually asks Xu Xingzhi what he does not understand, and he will help explain it.
Jiang Yan knew that he was in a bad state, and everything was under his control, even if he said it was one hour to Xu Xing.
The current state is probably-I understand the reason, but why I feel bad.jpg.
But for him, his throat was able to speak, he could fall asleep, and he was satisfied.
Especially with the ability to fall asleep, continuous insomnia can really make people collapse.
"You're still eating that capsule, and talk about it when sleep adjustments come over." Zhao Ke said.
"Um." Jiang Yan answered.
Zhao Ke said that the Anmian capsules are still a little useful. He had insomnia before the college entrance examination, so he ate this one, and while Jiang Yan was insomnia, he recommended it.
One before bedtime, health-care medicine, or sleeping pills, but I do n’t know if it ’s psychological, or it ’s really a little bit useful, anyway, Jiang Yan can fall asleep before two o’clock.
As long as he could fall asleep, his face was so pale that the counsellors talked to him and asked him if he was too stressed to study.
He still wants to go back to the steel factory in the New Year. He doesn't want to be seen as losing his love and losing himself.
I don't know how Gu Fei is now.
How is it at school?
How about at home.
Is there a new lens, and is there any money for a new one?
What about mobile phones? I have never sent a circle of friends. Is it because I am in a bad mood or is my mobile phone really broken and never bought a new one?
Still taking pictures? Did you take Gu Miao out for skateboarding?
Still laughing?
As long as one of these thoughts rises, it will quickly spread into a large area, which is unstoppable like virus reproduction.
Jiang Yan jumped out of bed and snatched a cool candy from Lu Shi's table and stuffed it into his mouth.
Lu Shi's refreshing candy is okay. As soon as I put it in my mouth, I will be refreshed and refreshed within two seconds, which will refresh my spirits.
But compared to the kind that Gu Fei gave him before, it was still not strong enough.
Gu Fei.
Gu Fei Gu Fei Gu Fei.
Fuck.
Jiang Yan angrily peeled another sugar and stuffed it into his mouth. It didn't contain it, and Kaka broke into pieces, from his throat to Tian Ling Gai, it seemed to be lifted off.
Jiang Yan wiped the tears from the cold.
Cool.
"You're on vacation so early? A week earlier than others?" Li Yan squatted on the steps in front of the store and played with her mobile phone.
"Well," Gu Fei held a cigarette, "If the usual lessons are arranged as tightly as other schools, I can take a vacation last month."
"Lesson is also very good," Li Yan took a photo of him with his mobile phone, "the pressure is low."
"Don't send my photos to the circle of friends." Gu Fei said.
"Rest assured," Li Yan said, "I also send them in groups, and will not let ... see them."
"Um." Gu Fei answered.
Although this was his request, I don't know why, when Li Yan really did, he was slightly lost. If there was no connection between him and Jiang Yan, it would be broken off little by little.
"Did Xin Xin introduce you to a special cow's fashion photography?" Li Yan continued to play the game. "She said you still have to think, what to consider? So much money that made me take off and I did n’t even think about it . "
Gu Fei squinted at him.
"What? I'm not bad, and I'm not afraid of being exposed," Li Yan said.
Gu Fei spit his cigarette and continued to squint at him.
"I know Jiang Yan's figure is in your eyes ..." Li Yan didn't finish speaking, and looked at Gu Fei for a while, then moved aside, "I just said it was easy."
Gu Fei looked at him without saying anything, stared for a while before turning back to continue to watch the snow on the road.
"Dafei," Li Yan said, "I always feel that the things written in the book can kill people's eyes."
"It was originally." Gu Fei said.
"No," Li Yan said, "I just saw it, and it feels like you can kill me with a glance, very ... scary."
"You weren't killed by my eyes," Gu Fei took a puff of cigarettes. "You died of too much talk."
"You can't do it at all," Li Yan probably said that he couldn't get through this old age, and turned his head to look at him with a bit of annoyance. "You're like being photographed every day."
"You don't have to mention him day by day," said Gu Fei. "Don't stop talking and run away to me all day. Don't you fall in love, hurry up and fall in love."
"I said it twice last week, when I ate big bones that day," Li Yan kept glaring at him. "I am single now."
"Oh." Gu Fei answered.
"Fuck," Li Yan looked at the time, "I'm gone, I'm looking for the dinner, you're dead."
"Get out," Gu Fei said.
After Li Yan was gone, Gu Fei made another whistle and turned into the shop.
Liu Li had a stove near the back door, and he was roasting sweet potatoes with charcoal fire. Gu Miao stared at the sweet potatoes beside him.
Gu Fei thinks this person is amazing. The store doesn't allow smoking, but can roast sweet potatoes in the stove.
But now the store is owned by others, then they have the final say.
"Here." Liu Li took a small dish and gave Gu Miao a baked sweet potato.
Gu Miao took it, bowed at him, turned around and ran out, bumping directly into Gu Fei.
"Slow down." Gu Fei helped her.
Gu Miao raised the plate to him.
"You eat," said Gu Fei, "brother is not hungry now and doesn't want to eat."
Gu Miao did not move, holding the plate persistently, until Gu Fei took away the sweet potatoes from the plate, she then carried the plate back to the stove and waited for the next one.
"More sensible." Liu Li said.
Gu Fei didn't say a word, leaning on the cashier's desk, blowing sweet potatoes on his hands, watching Gu Miao's back.
Although he has been out of touch with Jiang Yan for a long time, he has never been able to return to his previous life.
He looked at Gu Miao, looked at Liu Li, looked at his mother, looked at the steel mill, and looked at the people around him, and he no longer felt the same as before.
Forget it, brother.
He had forgotten the mood when he said this.
He did not know what Jiang Yan's reaction was.
Maybe I want to beat him.
He hasn't really fought with Jiang Yan. In theory, Jiang Yan is not his opponent, but in such a situation, Jiang Yan's players may burst into a powerful force.
Is it?
Not necessarily.
So arrogant, so arrogant, and so proud of Jiang Yan, perhaps he didn't even bother to do it in the face of his stubborn sword without leaving room.
Gu Fei smiled.
"Yes," said Liu Li, "do you think it's funny?"
"Ah," Gu Fei answered, and he didn't know what Liu Li said, "I went out."
"How cold is it outside," Liu Li said, "I find your physical fitness is really good, and you wander around in the sky."
Gu Fei did not speak, wrapped in a scarf and went out.
He really wandered outside all day.
Walk around with no purpose at all.
He didn't let anyone mention Jiang Yan before him, but Jiang Yan was always in his mind.
He was like an anxious animal, unable to stay in any place for a long time, he had to walk around constantly, because what he saw was Jiang Yan.
Jiang Yan stayed here only for two years, but left countless traces. Wherever he looked, it was Jiang Yan.
In the shop, at home, on the road, this place where he has lived for almost two decades, now every place is full of the breath of Jiang Yan.
Those wonderful memories he had tried hard to give to Jiang Yan now all stay here, and it is a pain that makes him unable to breathe.
He couldn't stay in the shop, he walked around, but every step was full of memories.
Suddenly he felt very scared and didn't dare to think about how he would go on in such memories.
In front of the building where Jiang Yan rented a house, he slowed down and looked up at the window.
Everything is as usual, the windows are closed, the curtains are pulled up, and the empty small flower pot on the window sill is still in place. He can still see how Jiang Yan took a small stone from the flower pot and aimed at him.
Standing downstairs for a while, he entered the corridor and slowly walked upstairs.
When he walked to the door of the room, he had the illusion that Jiang Yan would suddenly rush up and run on his ass.
He glanced back. The corridor full of debris was empty. He took out the key and opened the door.
He usually comes up every day to clean up, mop the table and mop the floor, spray some lemonade.
But he didn't come again after calling Jiang Yan the last time. Now when the door is opened, the room can already smell a touch of loneliness.
He went into the kitchen, rubbed the rag, and returned to the living room for a while, then began to wipe the table slowly.
The sofa was also dusty, and he spread the rag on the sofa and patted it, but he couldn't hold it within a minute.
hold.
Here comes, Husband hugs.
He quickly picked up the rag and turned and wiped it on the coffee table, but stopped when he wanted to enter the bedroom.
He stood at the door of the bedroom and didn't know how long before he pushed open the door and walked in.
My brother is everywhere.
My brother is everywhere.
My brother is everywhere.
My brother will never come back.
Gu Fei opened the window for ventilation, and wiped Jiang Yan's desk in the cold wind coming in from the window.
Gu Fei, I have no home.
He frowned.
Jiang Yan's home is not here, and Jiang Yan's home should not be him.
One day Jiang Yan will have a new home, a real home.
He wiped the table fiercely, but felt tired and exhausted within a few moments.
He sat down and turned on the lamp.
The warm yellow light flooded the table.
Why did you run here to pack up, this place where you dare not come in again, what is the meaning of packing up, Jiang Yan should not appear here again ...
Chinese New Year is coming soon, where will Jiang Yan go?
That kind of distress suddenly appeared, like a thin needle stuck in my heart, jumping with pain.
He had thought about this problem from the beginning, but he never dared to think about it. Now he is going on vacation. Everyone is thinking about going home. He suddenly feels so distressed that he can't breathe .
Jiang Yan can go to Pan Zhi's house, then a friend of the iron, Pan Zhi will surely pull him together to celebrate the New Year.
But Gu Fei knew that Jiang Yan was unwilling to return to that city ... Where did he go?
Stomach pain.
Infected by Jiang Yan players?
Gu Fei bent over her stomach, leaning her head on the edge of the table, gritted her teeth and breathed for a long time before coming back slowly.
He felt that he should not be so embarrassed. He had already spoken, so he should not bother Jiang Yan any more, and Jiang Yan may not need his concern anymore.
But after coming out of the rental room, he still went home first, flipped out his old phone from the drawer, put the card in, plugged in the charger and turned on the phone.
When he opened WeChat, his hands were a little trembling. The red number in the lower left corner did not dare to look at it, let alone open it. He was afraid to see Jiang Yan's name and not to see Jiang Yan's name.
He found Pan Zhi's name directly from the contact and clicked.
Then I don't know what to say.
How about Jiang Yan, how did Jiang Yan spend the New Year, did Jiang Yan go to your house during the winter vacation, how did Jiang Yan arrange for the winter vacation ... there was a mess in his head, no suitable sentence could be found anyway.
In the end he only posted two words.
-Are you there?
Before he figured out what to say next, he saw a red exclamation mark in front of the two words sent out.
-Your male turned on friend verification, you are not his or her friend yet. Please send a friend verification request before the other party can pass the verification.
Gu Fei stared at these words for a long time before finally returning to God.
Pan Zhi deleted his friend.
It is indeed Jiang Yan's best friend.
Gu Fei turned the machine off and threw it back into the drawer, leaned back on the chair, and sighed with his head up.
The corner of his left eye was a little itchy, and he quickly pressed it with his hands.
"I didn't really buy a ticket," Pan Zhi sat on Jiang Yan's chair. "Are you sure he can sit in the car, no one else."
"No one else," Jiang Yan said, "just you and me, and Xu Xingzhi."
"Not to mention there ..." Pan Zhi turned to look at Zhao Ke, "Is his sister?"
"My sister isn't sure yet, she's useless to go, she's just going to make fun of traveling," Zhao Ke said, "Xu Xingzhi hasn't figured out whether to take her."
"Oh," Pan Zhi thought for a while, "Go, I'm going to make fun of traveling anyway."
Zhao Ke smiled and climbed to the bed to pack his things.
Jiang Yan poked on Pan Zhi's arm with his fingers.
"Huh?" Pan Zhi turned to look at him.
"Will you have a little face?" Jiang Yan whispered.
"Why don't I lose my face? My layers of face are all about to slap me down," Pan Zhi also lowered his voice. "And I said to you, sir, can you still have a good voice?"
"Why." Jiang Yan said.
"Now the sound is too magnetic. I'm a little accustomed to it." Pan Zhi said.
"Just a while," Jiang Yan cleared his throat. "I don't know why it's not good for such a long time. It might be tiring to review."
"That's right," Pan Zhi said. "I won't stay with that Xuxing Hotel. I'm going to live with you."
"Um." Jiang Yan answered.
"Or ..." Pan Zhi hesitated, and whispered, "Let's go to the hotel together?"
"No," Jiang Yan said. "The house hasn't returned yet. I always want to pass by. I still have my stuff there and I need to get clothes."
"I'm a little worried." Pan Zhi looked at him.
"Face to face," Zhao Ke said while packing in the bed. "Escape is useless."
"It's worthy of being in love." Pan Zhi sighed.
"It seems to be someone," Zhao Ke poked his head and looked at him. "I've been here for at least twenty times, right?"
"Does anyone care about this man?" Pan Zhi asked.
"No more," Jiang Yan said.
Everyone in the dormitory bought a ticket and was ready to go home. Jiang Yan didn't buy a ticket. Xu Xingzhi had to drive by. He had to take his cat owner with him when he was away.
All the schedules have been arranged, but Jiang Yan has been a little flustered.
I couldn't stay in the dormitory. It was a bit undecided to go back and forth in the school after leaving the dormitory. Pan Zhi came over, but he slowly eased a little.
For the first time, he realized so deeply that there is no destination and no place of belonging.
The author has something to say: 继续 Continue tomorrow.