Chapter 9: Ignorant feelings (4)

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Squids are too accustomed to my hands to release the papers. Now I suddenly do n’t read books. The squids are even a little uncomfortable. He asked me three times and five times:
What ’s wrong with the four-eyed panda? Are you running out of money? Do you want your brother to support you? "
I ignored him, he was joking as usual as usual, but this time the blind cat caught the dead mouse, in the middle of my pain: "The four-eyed panda is thinking of spring? The four-eyed panda is falling out of love?"
I grabbed my schoolbag and ran out of the game room, but only half a year later, the sun was still shining, but I thought the long vacation that had just begun had ended.
Tonight, drizzle outside the window. Under the light, gently open the student list, thinking that the face that will never be forgotten is already blurred. I thought that the note I had lost was actually caught in the pages of the book.
Tonight, the rain drizzled outside the window. It was exactly the same as when we waved apart that year. The rain sang a song. What we did n’t understand that year was hurried, too hurried.
There are many elementary schools in the city, and our school has only five places to participate in math competitions. Zhang Jun and I account for two, and many teachers have quite some ideas. In order to allow me and Zhang Jun to participate in the competition, Teacher Gao was under a lot of pressure and almost made a bet on her career prospects, but she repeatedly told us that she tried her best. Competition is just a learning process, as long as you feel that you have It doesn't matter if you get the prize.
The soldier died for his soulmate!
I do n’t mind being a poor student, and I do n’t care about any math competition at all, but I ’m very, very scared that Teacher Gao will be disappointed, and I ’m more afraid of letting others hurt Teacher Gao because of my incompetence. Only by winning the prize can you repay Teacher Gao's gratitude.
One month before the competition, every day, I had to study with a guy I liked, but did n’t like me. Teacher Gao also asked us to discuss with each other and try to let go of our thoughts.
Not long ago, this was the sweetest thing in my heart, but now, the hopeless pain bites my heart all the time, and I still have to gritt my teeth and try to hear every word he says, Tell yourself that you must win the prize!
Every day, I do exercises like crazy. I give up everything else in my life. When I open my eyes every morning, it is a competition; when I close my eyes every night, it is still a competition. During that time, I couldn't settle down even if I had a dream. The dreams were not overwhelming math problems, or Zhang Jun and Guan He. In their dreams, they always talked and laughed, but I couldn't see them like a mustard.
On the one hand, I tried my best; on the other hand, I did n’t have confidence in myself at all, and I did n’t know if I could win the prize. For three days before the exam, I dreamed that I had failed the exam. People all over the world laughed. Teacher Gao and me. I often wake up in fright in my dreams. For me, this competition is more than just an exam. It contains my thoughts of repaying gratitude, and it also means that I prove myself to myself. If the competition is not rewarded, it is the end of the world. My pressure is so unimaginable to outsiders.
One day I felt like I couldn't hold it anymore. I ran to the game machine room. The squid was watching the shop. Wavelet was playing games pale. He was preparing for the exam. Obviously, it was not easy.
The squid chuckled: "The two of you are really like brothers and sisters. If you don't come, you won't come. Both will come as soon as you come."
I said to the squid: "Give me a bottle of beer. I do n’t have any money now. I will take the credit first."
The squid stayed for a while, took the bottle of beer without saying a word, pryed off the bottle cap and handed it to me. I took it and gulped a few big mouths, and wavelet told me to go: "Play game with me."
I carried the beer and walked over. He said that he was playing with him, actually he taught me to play, and he usually looked at boring games, but today it becomes a little more interesting. With the hand almost violently tapping the operation button, every time a monster is killed, watching the blood on the screen After the four splashes, people seemed to relax a little. After a game, the tight, seemingly broken heart was relaxed. Xiaobo took the rest of my beer and filled half a bottle at a stretch. Me: "What's wrong with you?"
I looked at the flashing picture on the screen of the game console, and said the fear in my heart: "I have nightmares in succession, dreaming that I have smashed the exam."
"Dream is the opposite."
"Really?"
"What do you deceive? Dreams are counter-productive. The worse the dream, the better the reality!"
I was suspicious, but suddenly the whole person was full of fighting spirit again, clenched his fists, turned and ran out, and the squid cried at the back: "Why did you just come and go? Don't drink beer?"
"Don't drink, I will go back to do math problems."
"Don't forget to pay back the money."
On the day of the competition, when Zhang Jun and I walked out of the examination room, Mr. Gao did n’t ask how well the examination was. He only said that we were invited to dinner. At that time, I thought that I had survived. I kept holding my chest and breathed away. My head was so heavy that I suddenly started to bleed.
Zhang Jun hurriedly folded a paper roll with a napkin and gave it to me. I didn't control myself at all. I opened his hand hard. The action was too decisive and too intense. Don't say him, even Teacher Gao was stunned. I turned my head halfway up casually, and folded my paper rolls with paper napkins and stuffed my nose.
After the competition, I alienated Zhang Jun and avoided him deliberately.
Zhang Jun is not a fool. Of course I feel that I do n’t want to care about him, but he still comes to talk to me often. He occasionally waits for me during school and wants to go with me, but I always refuse him.
Zhang Jun's temper is quite a boy, every time I ignore him, he doesn't say to coax me, just don't say anything extra, always turn his head angrily and go away, a pair of "You don't want to ignore Lao Tzu, Lao Tzu I don't want to care about you. But within two days, he appeared in front of me again, and then turned around angrily and left.
After a while like this, I don't know when, Zhang Jun no longer ignored me, and suddenly disappeared in my life. Every day during class, he stepped on the bell and went to the classroom. As soon as he was out of school, he hurriedly left the school and rarely stayed in school. Sometimes, seeing him on the road occasionally, he is always mixed with a group of technical school students who are much older than us. Although we are in a class, we seem to be in two worlds.
Later, I heard that during the Spring Festival, Zhang Jun took two students to open a grocery store and stole many cigarettes. After the incident was exposed, parents lost money to the food store and tried to cover up the matter.
Zhang Jun himself still went his own way, but the two classmates were severely warned by their parents not to contact Zhang Jun anymore. Parents thought Zhang Jun had broken their children. Things spread among parents. Almost all boys' parents forbid their children to play with Zhang Jun.
Zhang Jun didn't know it at first, and still ran to other people's homes, but the parents who opened the door didn't even let him in. Later, Gao Fei, who played best with him, told him why. After Zhang Jun understood, he stopped playing with our classmates immediately and began to hang out with friends in the society who wouldn't dislike him.
I guess he definitely thought I was estranged from him for this reason too, so he never came to me again.
In the second half of the second semester of sixth grade, the results of the math contest came out. I won the second prize with a difference of two points from the first place. Zhang Jun's score was lower than mine, but it was also the second prize. After the flag-raising ceremony, the principal announced our school's outstanding performance in the math competition. He didn't mention Zhang Jun's name at all, only praised me.
My Gao Xuan finally let go. There were a total of five winners in the city. Our school accounted for two. As soon as Teacher Gao joined the work, he won the honor for the school. For all schools that speak with teaching achievements, this achievement is enough The other teachers have nothing to say.
Because of the math competition, I got the first award in my life, just a thin piece of color printing paper, writing with a brush, Luo Qiqi won the second prize in the math competition, but for me, this award is more than gold. precious.
After returning home, I nervously and shyly showed the certificate to my parents. My father posted my certificate on the wall. While sticking the certificate, he encouraged me to continue to work hard. My sister looked at her with her mouth pouting. I have a lot of excitement and anticipation in my heart. I like my dad at this moment. My eyes keep looking at me. If I can, I really hope to have a certificate every day to take home and let my dad post every day.
While sleeping at night, I was secretly excited while watching the certificate on the wall.
After waking up the next morning, I found that the certificate was painted colorfully with crayons. My name and the second prize were all erased.
I was so furious that I rushed into my sister's room without even putting on my clothes, jumped into her bed a few times, rode on her and beat her, and she started crying and crying.
Mom and Dad hurried in and pulled me away. When they figure out what happened, they are funny and angry.
The younger sister cried out of her mother ’s neck, and she did n’t bother to blame her. My father said, "Qiqi, is n’t it a certificate! Even if your sister did something wrong, you can say it well, How can you beat someone? Get dressed quickly and go to school ... "
I stared at them, it was not just a certificate! More than a piece of paper! But Dad had already hurried to make breakfast, and Mom was busy appeasing her sister and coaxing her to get dressed.
I slowly walked back to my bedroom, tore the certificate off the wall, tore it into pieces, and threw it into the trash can. Anyway, nobody cares, why should I care?
I don't care, I don't care at all!
I have always been confused about the definition of childhood. How many years old are children? Later, it was decided to divide it according to the Children's Day that never passed. There is a literary performance on June 1st Children's Day in our city. We will have a holiday until the sixth grade, and students who can sing and dance will participate in the literary performance, go to the stage to win honors for the class school, and other students are responsible for sitting and watching the applause. Every year on June 1st, the teacher will send everyone a stationery box filled with hard fruit candy, so that when I think of June 1, it is the taste of cheap fruit candy.
This is our last June 1 Children's Day. The examination for primary school and junior high school is gradually approaching. After the exam, those who study well will be promoted to key junior high schools, and those who study poorly will be eliminated into ordinary junior high schools. Just before my eyes, the emotions of sadness, souvenirs, and panic in the class permeated, but I didn't feel anything. Instead, I checked the calendar every day to see how many days left to graduate.
I am a child without courage. In the face of my pain and inferiority, the path I choose is to escape and avoid. I see junior high school as a new world that can be restarted.
The students took the message book and asked each other to leave a message. The message book contains future ideals, the things that I want to do the most, and the places I want to go the most. I wrote "None".
I bought this exquisite guestbook, but I did n’t ask anyone to write it. In the end, I did n’t know what I was thinking in my subconscious. I even asked Guan He to write a graduation message for me. Leave a message in the memorial book and smile with surprise: "I am the first one!"
I smiled and didn't speak. What she didn't know was that she was the last one.
Finally, a graduation party is about to be held!
Many students performed the show, singing and dancing. Because of the approaching graduation, the performance standards of the classmates are all beyond the standard. Several boys wear black trousers with narrow trousers and fat legs, and break dance in black leather gloves. The three buddies who played well with Zhang Jun wore white uniforms borrowed from nowhere to sing the songs of the Little Tigers:
String your heart and my heart
Bunch of clover
Strung a concentric circle
Let all the calls that look forward to the future take advantage of youth
Don't let the younger one grow up, the more lonely
Plant my clover in your dream field
Let the earth follow our concentric circles forever
...
I have been wandering in a trance, the girls in the class are crying, and some boys also wear red scarves to wipe their tears. I was very uncomfortable in my heart, but I couldn't cry. My sorrow was engraved in my heart, and the tears could not be vented.
After the principal and the teacher finished speaking, they posted their business photos, and the classmates dispersed one after another. I was still sitting on the window seat, watching the daze outside the classroom. I always feel that I hate this school the most, and I hate to run away from this school, but I have nostalgia at the last minute.
"Luo Qiqi."
It ’s Zhang Jun ’s voice. I need to arm myself to dare to look back:
What ’s the matter?

He stood in front of me and didn't speak. The sky-blue curtains fell behind him like blue waves. Sunlight poured in from the large glass window, and his white shirt was dazzling white, as if shimmering. Several classmates were talking on the podium, and there were classmates making loud noises in the corridor, but all the sounds were blown away by the warm summer wind, and he and I seemed to be in another space, quiet and frightening and unsettling. .
My nose was sour inexplicably, and I asked again: "What's the matter?"
He stared at me and said, "There is something, I want to tell you."
I was under his focused vision, feeling a heart beating faster and faster.
"Zhang Jun." Guan He and a girl from the outside class called at the door.
Seeing them, Zhang Jun suddenly became embarrassed and took a big step back. I saw him, and then looked at the hibiscus-like lotus water at the door, and suddenly I didn't want to hear anything. I stood up in a panic, head down and walked out of the classroom. When passing Guanhe, she was very polite I wish you all the best: "I wish you a successful entrance to the key junior high school."
However, I left without saying anything politely. I was able to get into the key junior high school by myself, not by others. As soon as I left the classroom, I ran and eagerly wanted to keep all the unhappiness of my childhood behind. The warm summer wind blew from my face, maybe it could really blow a lot of things behind me, but the boy holding me rushing forward in the cold wind was still quietly carved deep in my heart.
In my eagerness to evade the past and run forward, I didn't even have the courage to wave another hand, and so hurriedly sent away my childhood.