Chapter 55:

"Boyfriend, don't be presumptuous, you are my world to me."
"Don't think about someone who can replace you in the future. If I lose you, I will lose the love of my life."
After Zhang Man finished speaking, the boy held her tightly and could no longer speak.
The best way to love someone is not to tell him how much you love him, not to tell him how much you paid for him.
The most shocking thing is to make him truly feel how much you need him and how important he is to you.
She even said that he is irreplaceable for her.
Perhaps Li Wei always thought that for Zhang Man, he was just a beautiful first love who was lucky and lost his life. He never thought that he would be so important to her.
This importance is like a rope tied to a kite, giving him a unique connection with this world.
This importance made him understand that every decision he made does not only affect himself.
He finally understood her mood.
His Man Man, the Man Man he wanted to hold in his palm forever, to prevent her from any harm, these days, to find him, he ran around and suffered so much.
At this moment, the boy suddenly realized how outrageous he was in the past.
He thought it was to leave her without saying goodbye to not hurt her, but he did not realize that the decision he made without authorization was fatal to her.
"Manman, sorry..."
He was full of remorse, his eyes full of guilt and distress had nowhere to vent, he could only rub the girl into his arms hard, it seemed that the pain and guilt in the heart could be relieved.
Zhang Man finally breathed a sigh of relief.
She could feel it, and he understood.
So from now on, he will at least not make decisions behind her back, as long as he discusses everything with her, then everything is easy to say.
After many days of running around, she was really exhausted. She raised her smile and rubbed her forehead against the boy's cheek: "Okay, you are fine to wash the dishes."
He was obedient, packed up the leftovers of the two of them and went to the kitchen, Zhang Man leaned at the door to watch him.
Such a scene is too homey, making her feel safe. With him, every little thing is warm.
Zhang Man watched the boy put two porcelain bowls into the sink and turned on the tap.
He didn't see him for a few days. He seemed clumsy. He didn't know to roll up his sleeves when washing the dishes. The water from the faucet splashed on the sleeves, and he quickly got wet.
Zhang Man smiled and shook his head, unable to watch, walked over to help him roll up his sleeves, but was cleverly avoided by the boy.
"Manman, the kitchen is not clean, you go to the sofa and wait for me, okay?"
He smiled and said to her that his expression was indistinguishable, his hands were dipped in the rich foam of detergent, his sleeves covered his wrists, and a lot of foam was stained with the action of washing dishes.
Zhang Man squinted his eyes, and his sensitivity reappeared.
She grabbed the boy's hand and rolled up his sleeves forcibly, but in the next second, her heart throbbed so hard to breathe.
On his clean and powerful arms, one after another, there were cuts made by the knife, with different depths and angles, and some even staggered around the arms.
Obviously all new wounds.
In some of them, the purple-red scabs had not yet fallen off, while in other places, the skin and flesh were open, and some blood was bleeding out.
It is too hideous.
Under what circumstances can a person hurt himself like this?
Her heart kept falling, her right hand trembling and clutching his arm, she did not dare to look at the wounds again.
She raised her head, bit her lip, and looked straight at him.
This scene was so horrible that she trembled uncontrollably between her upper and lower teeth, and she got goose bumps.
Can't even ask.
The young man looked panicked and wanted to break free from her hand, but Zhang Man really used a lot of strength. If he struggled again, he might hurt her.
The two stood in a stalemate for a long time, and Zhang Man first gave up.
Who is this hurting?
There are a few scars on his arm, and a few on her heart.
She was no longer in the mood, let go of him uncomfortably, walked to the living room by herself, sat down on the sofa, and weakly grasped her hair.
The temple was beating "abruptly", and that picture appeared in her mind again, and she couldn't get rid of it.
The empty bathroom, the snow-white tiles, the huge mirror, the bathtub stained red with blood, and the man lying in it, pale and without a trace of anger—the appearance has not changed much from that of adolescence, she can tell at a glance .
Was the hand he soaked in the bathtub as it is now, scarred and covered with cuts of different depths.
After he tried many times, the one that was too deep in the end ended his life.
Is that right?
So, if she finds him later, he will be like in the previous life?
Zhang Man covered his mouth.
This New Year, why is it like this? This is obviously the first New Year after they are together, why does she feel so tired.
She was shaking uncomfortably, and suddenly her feet were lifted into the air, and she was picked up by someone in the waist.
The young man walked around her back with one hand and the bend of her legs with one hand, picked up the person from the sofa, walked through the wide living room, and walked up the stairs.
He cleaned up a room on the second floor and lived there by himself these days.
The boy opened the door with his shoulders, put the girl in his arms on the soft big bed, and lay on his side beside her.
"Manman, don't be sad, it looks scary, but it doesn't feel much."
He pulled away her long hair that covered her entire face and kissed her lightly on the cheek, trying to comfort her.
Seeing her like this, the pain in his heart is not known how much stronger than the faint pain in his arm.
Zhang Man lay there and let him play with it, as if he had been cut out in his heart. In such a winter, there was a cold wind.
She gritted her teeth and tremblingly said to him: "Li Wei, remember, if you die, I won't be able to live."
I tried it once, right?
In her previous life, less than a year after his death, she encountered a mudslide.
Zhang Man never dared to remember that day again.
There was a heavy rain that day, and it was also the last day of her three-month trip.
She was about to go home because she found that travel seemed completely useless to her.
Not rescued at all.
Every time you go to a scenic spot, you will encounter different people and things. People in travel are always more relaxed than colleagues and friends in work and life. They come from all over the world, and no one knows their past. It is easier for them to talk to each other about the torture encountered in life.
But she didn't.
Every day, she quietly listened to their stories, and became the most perfect and gentle listener among strangers.
She listened patiently, and occasionally gave some comfort. Many people encountered during the journey thought she had a simple and happy life, but no one knew that she was sleeping in panic every night, as long as she closed her eyes, It was still an endless nightmare, and the boy who stood in the depths of darkness and reached out to her desperately.
It was the same that day. She booked a ticket to go home from Chengdu, and tiredly made an appointment with a few travel friends to take a bus from Dujiangyan to Chengdu.
When the car passed the remote winding road, a terrible landslide occurred. The car was forced to retreat sharply and hit the huge rock behind. The whole body was knocked over to the side and hung on the edge of the cliff, shaking.
It didn't turn off the cliff in an instant.
All the passengers screamed desperately. The fear of death is not an individual's catastrophe, but a sentient being.
The driver immediately opened the door of the car to let everyone flee. Everyone squeezed toward the door for fear of falling into the abyss with the car.
It's a pity that the car door was blocked by a few stones and it took a lot of time to climb up.
Her seat was very close to the door of the car, and the people sitting next to her had already squeezed to the door, and as soon as the door opened, they desperately climbed onto the big stone at the door and escaped.
If she rushed out without hesitation, she might still have a chance to survive.
But when she stood up and was about to squeeze towards the door, the body suddenly trembled violently, and the center of gravity shifted even more towards the bottomless cliff after the bump. She turned her head and saw that there were many people behind her.
There was such a huge, clear fear in the eyes of those people. There was even a woman holding a child, crying, trying to pass the child forward, hoping that the person in front could save her child.
At that moment, she thought of the boy who had left her forever, and suddenly felt tired. She didn't understand the meaning of squeezing them so hard.
She seems to be not as afraid of death as they are, so why rob them?
The car body shuddered again, she fell back to her seat, completely gave up the struggle, and closed her eyes in a daze.
...
If he is still dead in this life, what should she do?
Hearing her words, the young man was stunned for a long time before he realized that she actually had such a misunderstanding.
He was sad and distressed again. Seeing the girl's expression in front of him became more and more hollow, he raised her head and kissed her lips eagerly.
While kissing, explain urgently.
"Manman, I am not going to...I am not going to commit suicide, I just want to control myself not to think about people or things that do not exist."
With difficulty, he said something that he knew he was ridiculous.
"It is said that pain can stimulate people's nerves. I just want to give it a try when they come."
These days, he has been able to see Nick and Janet, their presence always reminds him that he is a lunatic who can't control himself.
A madman who is very likely to hurt her.
But he still has a chance, he still wants to make himself a normal person, and then...
Then maybe one day, he can come back to her again.
Go back to his favorite girl and spend a long life with her.
So how can we escape those vain control and become a normal person?
When mentally deranged or fantasizing, the thoughts often become simple and direct-since a strong pain can make people walk out of dreams, can they also make them walk out of delusions? So every time he saw them, he would give it a try.
It was extremely effective at first.
Whenever a sharp blade cuts through the skin, the sharp, irritating pain can make him wake up very briefly, and once he is sober, the delusion will no longer exist.
He once felt ecstatic about it.
In the subconscious, human beings are animals that seek advantages and avoid disadvantages. If you continue to train, your brain will gradually accept such cues-if there is delusion, there will be pain.
After this goes on, he may be able to control himself and never dream again.
Unfortunately, this method gradually failed after a few times.
He unexpectedly slowly got used to this pain, and got used to the irritation caused by the icy blade cutting the skin.
Even the wound was so that it didn't work.
"Manman, I am not going to commit suicide, you see, my wounds are all on my arm, not close to the artery... I just, I just don't want to lose control."
I just want to be able to hug you again one day.